


I hate you, I love you

by carelesskisses



Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: F/M, I just had to write more of this scene, I just love them, I love them and I wanted more ANGST, Queen of nothing - Freeform, Spoilers for Book 3: The Queen of Nothing, i don't know what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:08:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27456991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carelesskisses/pseuds/carelesskisses
Summary: Jude comes to face the inquest in Taryn's place and it plays out just a little differently because I wanted more things lol
Relationships: Jude Duarte/Cardan Greenbriar
Comments: 6
Kudos: 111





	I hate you, I love you

I followed behind Cardan, dreading the turn this interview had taken, regretting ever letting Taryn through the front door. Cardan would know the second I removed my dress that I wasn’t Taryn. The bruises snaking down my arms, the stitched cut across my side courtesy of Griga Mog, the scar on my leg he'd run his fingers across the night he’d proposed. Each and every one a dead give away that I was not in fact Taryn. The hallway felt like it was pushing in on me, the closer we got to his room the more I struggled to keep my breathing even. 

A breeze rustled down the hallway making his dark hair flutter against the back of his neck, his long strides quickly eating up the distance between me and what was undoubtedly a death sentence. He shouldered the door open, gesturing me inside with a smirk that made my face feel hot. I knew he would notice, especially as the sight of the familiar room made me blush even harder. It was considerably less tidy than the last time I’d been here when we’d sat on the couch and made our marriage vows. Clothing was strewn around the room, jackets, and socks hanging off furniture like a tornado had torn through. I noticed the stale scent of wine as I took in the empty bottles thrown haphazardly around the space. He strode through, looking like he hadn’t a care, like he had all the power in the world. I knew it was practically the truth. I’d been foolish to think he cared about me, maybe even could love me. I shook my head, twisting in a circle to take in the full space before I turned back feeling ready to face him. The crown sat askew on his head as he turned with all that regal grace before dropping into the chair by his desk and looking at me expectantly. I realized with a shock that in the months of my absence he’d truly grown into kingship. It hurt more than I expected. And here I was still the same damn fool I’d been two months ago. 

“Well…” he raised an eyebrow, “didn’t you get my letters, Jude?” My name on his lips felt like a slap and I couldn’t stop myself from falling back a step. It felt like the air in the room had vanished, I’d bet my life and I was about to lose. 

“What?” I could barely get the word out through my clenched jaw, I tried feigning confusion and innocence, slouching my posture in an attempt to look like more Tarynn. 

“You never replied to one, I began to wonder if you’d misplaced your ambition in the mortal world.” His smile turned bitter as he tapped his finger against his lip, sizing me up. 

I felt like the room was spinning as I stared at him and struggled desperately to think of a plan, anything to convince him I was Tarynn. I couldn’t imagine how he’d been so sure. “Your Majesty, I thought you brought me here to assure yourself I had neither charm nor amulet.” I needed to focus but I couldn’t help the thoughts whirling around my head; had he written to me? Why hadn’t I received them? I shoved those thoughts down, closing myself off to those thoughts, and focused on looking meek and timid. I would not be made a fool of again, not with so much on the line.

His smile was growing, the bitter edge fading as he read the emotions on my face as easy as any book on the shelves behind me. I felt my heart might shatter at the thought of him knowing me so well. “I will if you like. Shall I command you to remove your clothes? I don’t mind.” He leaned forward in his seat and it felt like he was drinking me in, eyes roving up and down me in a way that felt too intimate. 

“What are you doing?” I said desperately, “What game are you playing Cardan?” My voice broke on his name and the anger I’d kept tightly wrapped inside began to spiral out of my grip. 

“Jude, you can’t really think I don’t know it’s you.” He was looking at me intensely and I wanted to close my eyes and block him out, disappear and be anywhere but here, so unsure of where we stood. “  
I knew you from the moment you walked into the Brugh.” He continued, his voice going soft. It hurt, it hurt so much that he felt he knew me so well. 

He rose from his chair and stepped forward, reaching for me but I flinched away from his grasp, throwing my hands up as if I could ward him away, “Don’t touch me!” 

Cardan froze in surprise and hurt flitting across his face. 

His hands dropped to his side as I glared at him, my own fists clenched as I finally released some of the anger that had built and built and built these past few months, “You exiled me! You manipulated and humiliated me and I want nothing to do with you.”

It was Cardan’s turn to flinch, and he held out his hands again, pleading. “Jude, I-” He ran a hand through his wild curls, and Cardan, who’d charmed and sniped and spouted poetry with ease all his life looked as if he were fighting for words.“Jude, I thought you were supposed to be the clever one.” The words were quiet and desperate. 

He stared at me, pleading, waiting for me to put it together. I closed my eyes and thought again of what a fool I was. A stupid, mortal fool. How many times had I run the words of my exile over and over through my head, how many times had I thought that if I was in Faerie, as Queen of the Fae, I could pardon myself. I was a fool and yet I couldn’t shove away the doubt and anger that had buried itself so deep these last two months that it had begun to feel like a permanent feature. I felt him approach, my eyes still closed and I felt his fingertips brush down my arm. I shuddered at the feeling, biting down hard on my lip hoping it would shove back the tears threatening. I would not cry, not here, not in front of him. 

“I thought you didn’t come back because you were angry with me.” His fingers twined with mine and I opened my eyes. “I sent so many letters,” He looked softer than I’d ever seen him as I met his gaze. “I was starting to think you wouldn’t come back, I was terrified you wouldn’t come back.” His voice broke and he dropped his forehead to mine. I couldn’t think with him pressing so close. 

My breath was coming fast and I ached to close the distance as his nose bumped mine. I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff, fighting desperately to keep from tumbling over the edge, as his hand skimmed my waist, tugging me impossibly closer. His lips brushed mine, so soft I barely felt it, and suddenly I was falling, the world-shattering around me. 

The room shook as I stumbled into Cardan and we both went crashing into the desk behind him. I felt the stitches across my side tear as I slid across the floor, slamming into Cardan’s bedpost and knocking the wind from me. I tried to stand, hand braced on the bed, as I took in the chaos and struggled to understand what was happening. 

The bomb had taken out most of the wall, books were thrown everywhere, pages floating through the air, fire trailing. The curtains and furniture quickly caught the blaze and the temperature began to creep higher. Suddenly I could see people climbing in the wreckage, dust, and smoke making it hard to see. I swiped a hand across my cheek, catching a trail of blood and smearing it. Something had sliced my cheek in the explosion but it was nothing compared to the blood leaking from my side. One of Cardan’s guards lay sprawled near the remains of his bookshelf while two more fought soldiers I recognized from Madoc’s personal guard. I dragged myself to my feet, stumbling forward and dodging the battling guards and bursting into the hall where I ran straight into the arms of Madoc. I yanked back, the dagger strapped to my thigh in my hand before he could blink.

He looked me up and down, taking in the blood soaking my side and my dress ruined with smoke and dust. He grinned as he stepped towards me, the hallway and escape behind him, a hand raised, “Taryn?” I don’t let my knife hand drop, though my hand starts to shake. I can hear the guards behind me, Cardan must somehow be keeping them occupied. I shift into a fighting stance and take in my adoptive father as a smile begins to tilt the corner of his mouth. I know he cannot believe I’m Taryn, she never would’ve drawn the knife in the first place. But I’d make him wish he’d found only Taryn. I dove towards him, knife slashing downwards at his throat.

He deflected my blow as if it was nothing and I grit my teeth against the throbbing in my side, as I repositioned myself, the knife always between him and me. I wished desperately for a real sword evening knowing I probably couldn’t lift it in my current state. 

“Jude,” His grin was as sharp as his blade as he raised it. “I should have known.” He took a small step forward forcing me back until I was uncomfortably close to the wall. He was cornering me. “Your weapon lacks the range you’d need to stand a chance. I don’t want to hurt you, Jude.” He didn’t bother trying to sound fatherly and I wouldn’t have believed him anyway. The glint was in his eye, the bloodlust that always simmered under the surface, glass always on the verge of breaking. 

My laugh was hysterical in my own ears as the vines on the walls began twisting and moving, I could feel them whipping around behind me and took a tiny step forward, nervous. “All you do is hurt people, that’s all you’ve ever done. But I told you, I’m through being your pawn.” I threw the words at him, as vicious as I could before being distracted once again as I saw vines beginning to trail across the floor around my feet. I heard the guards screaming, frantic as the walls came alive around them. I ignored the growing vines, knowing that Madoc would use any distraction, even if he could finish me without one. I could barely match him with a real sword, let alone the short dagger I’d snuck into the inquest. I wished Taryn had taken to wearing less restricting clothes, actually, I wished Taryn had done a better job of disposing of her worthless husband's corpse but it was a little late now. I crept closer before I jabbed for him again, realizing too late he’d been expecting it. I took his sword to the side in what would have been a shallow cut, barely enough to slice through the dress. I knew he’d held back intentionally but he couldn’t have known about the wound already hiding beneath my dress, stitches half busted already. My side ripped open and I dropped to my knees as the walls exploded around us, the vines whipping forward and forcing Madoc back, creating a wall. 

I watched as the wall thickened slowly, cutting off my view of Madoc and I realized darkly that it might be the last time I’d see him. I forced myself to push my hand against the gaping wound in my side, as the wall finally sealed shut. The deep red fabric of my dress was soaked through and I struggled to stay conscious against the pain and blood pouring between my fingers. It began pooling beneath me and I tried to crawl forward, towards the bedroom, towards Cardan but the slightest move had my vision blurring white with pain. I could distantly hear screaming and it took me a moment to realize it was my own. I was losing too much blood too fast. I was going to die. I’d made it back to Faerie just to be gutted within 24 hours.

I didn’t realize that I’d closed my eyes until I was being shaken back to consciousness. I struggled against the weight pulling me down, my limbs felt numb but I managed to crack my eyes open to see Cardan. His hands were on my face and I realized he was begging. “Jude, Jude, please keep your eyes open.” He shook me gently, one hand desperately trying to slow the bleeding, without much success. Cardan was frantic, and I tried to bring my hand to his cheek, but my arm felt like it weighed a ton. His face was smeared with dirt, ashes clinging to his hair and lashes that I ached to brush away. A tear streaked through the soot on his cheek, “Please Jude, don’t leave me. I need you to stay with me, help is coming.” I could feel the force of the glamour behind his words even though he knew they wouldn’t work on me. 

“Cardan,” his name was slurred, as I fought to stay conscious, “I’m so tired.” 

“I know Jude, please just stay with me a little longer,” his hands were moving, tracing my side in a way that reminded me painfully of what had been interrupted earlier. I felt an odd tugging sensation as I slipped into unconsciousness. 

__________________________________________________________________________

I felt like I was being pushed down into the floor, sweating and nauseous and I dreamed of the undersea again. I dreamed I was in a cage, miles, and miles of sea pushing down on me until I felt like I was being crushed. I dreamed of Balekin, his hand in my hair, and being forced to kiss him the way I had once kissed a different dark-haired Prince. I dreamed of the delirium and hunger and Locke taunting me from the shore while I drowned. I also dreamed of Cardan. Of him sending me away, laughing with the crowd as he denied me. I dreamed of him laughing at me while I was trapped in my cage, drowning and burning and dying. I dreamed of him calling me a coward and a liar and walking away from me as I bled out on the floor. I dreamed, and dreamed, and dreamed until the blackness that dragged me under was a sweet release. 

The first thing I realized was that I was decidedly not dead. Death wouldn’t be nearly this painful. The sheets were crisp and cool beneath my fingers as I forced my eyes open, my side throbbing in time with my headache. I stared at the vines running across the ceiling, the little flowers of blue and white stark against the dark, and realized I must be in Cardan's bed. My heart lurched at the thought as I pushed the covers aside and tried to sit up. Pain shot down my left side and I groaned, falling back into the mountain of pillows that were stacked behind me. Something shifted beside me and I startled, upsetting my wound again as I turned to see I was not alone. Cardan was sprawled in a chair near the bed, an empty wine glass resting on the nightstand. He looked exhausted, dark circles stark beneath his closed eyes. He was wearing a black button-down that made him look so pale I worried he might be injured too. There was blood under his fingernails and I realized it must have been mine. He looked so much younger in sleep, his harsh lines softened by unconsciousness. My staring must have disturbed him because his eyes fluttered open, catching on mine and he was up in a second reaching for me. 

“Jude,” his hands fluttered over me, wanting to touch me but not wanting to cause any pain, “how are you feeling?” The concern in his face made something warm bloom in my chest and I felt almost relieved that the softness of his face had followed him from sleep. 

“Like I got stabbed,” His face scrunched with distaste, clearly not appreciative of my joke. I sighed, fiddling with the large white shirt someone had dressed me in, “I should be dead.” My eyes flicked up to his and he flinched again, letting his eyes fall shut and refusing to meet my gaze. “Cardan... “ I laid my hand over his where it rested on the comforter, “I should be dead. How am I not?” 

He took a deep breath before opening his eyes to meet mine and the intensity of it nearly floored me, “You are the Queen of Elfhame, you are my wife, and I used the land to heal you the way it once healed me. Not completely, but enough to keep you alive.” He paused, “To keep you here.” With me, we both heard the unspoken ending. 

I couldn’t speak, could only stare at him as he said the words I’d dreamed about those months in the mortal realm. Queen of Elfhame, my wife. He pushed aside the blankets before crawling in and resting his head on the pillow beside mine and wrapping an arm around me. He closed his eyes again, bringing his face near to mine. “I thought you were going to die.” He twined his fingers in mine and my heart ached along with the rest of me as he moved closer, bringing my back to his chest, fingers linked against my abdomen. “I thought you were never going to come back and then you did and I thought you were going to die. You’re never going to make this easy for me are you.” I twisted my head around, bringing our noses together. His smile was soft and bright and I couldn’t stop myself from closing the distance and kissing him gently, the way I should have last night or however many nights ago it had been. I tried to drag myself even closer to him, flinching as the movement pulled at my stitches making Cardan pull away from me with a chuckle. “Easy Jude. You’re still healing and we have all the time in the world, my dearest wife.”


End file.
